I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
