I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
