Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
