First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
