I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize