Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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