Already got asked if we're dating
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize