Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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