I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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