i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
