I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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