I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
