If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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