someone threw a dead crab at me
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
