They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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