you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
