"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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