I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize