my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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