If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We are two peas in an std pod
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
