I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
