my phone needs a breathalizer
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
