today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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