That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
