I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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