Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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