finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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