how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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