i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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