so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
