I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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