Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
