Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
These tits shall not be calmed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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