i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
