I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
