life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
