Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think pants incapable of making pants work
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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