our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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