I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
