What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
