He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
