Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
