Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
