Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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