he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
