Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize