There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You're like the curious george of whores
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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