Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
