Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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