Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
