So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
