Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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