In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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