i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize