Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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