If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i was born a porn star she said
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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