Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
