I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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