forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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