Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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