so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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