i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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